Stairway to Somewhere

MS

This is a photo I took at the Etowah Indian Mounds outside Atlanta, Georgia on the day I became engaged, back in September or so of 2004. On top of this Indian Mound I proposed to the person who would shortly become my wife. Why did I choose an Indian Mound? Obviously I needed to choose some place, but it seemed fitting to choose a place outside the standard American landscape. It was a way of saying: we don’t have to repeat the way everyone else’s life is going; we don’t need to follow old worn out paths. The experience of a marriage failing brings the exact opposite feelings: it’s not easy to pull outside the gravitational pull of the everyday. My stories would sound drearily similar (in their broad outline) to millions of other stories. And unlike Tolstoy they don’t inspire me to a lot of writing.

So one of the little things I need to make a decision about is what to do with the 11×14 framed print I have of that stairway scene above. It used to hang in my office, but it was always important not so much as a great photo, but as a personal symbol. Since the story of walking up those stairs now strikes me as a foolish idea, what should I do with it? Take it down.. that has been the leading impulse. Then I began to realize that this photo points to something uniquely true about my aspirations.

What does the photo mean to me? It means that life should have movement and growth.. not toward fame or anything stupid, but toward understanding and contentment. Going through a divorce has been a period of personal growth. One only gets a few such moments in life when change is possible and life seems to have all kinds of possibilities. I’ve been able to step forward as a Dad in a way I never could while preoccupied with being a Husband. I’ve realized to a greater extent how much I enjoy calm and scholarly meditation. There are countless times I feel a deep happiness about life.. perhaps as I stare out a window at the bare trees of a cold Wisconsin evening.

The photo still means that life should be lived differently. In fact, the divorce itself is a part of that call to live differently. In my extended family divorce does not happen.. even if marriage isn’t always ideal. So, for me at least, divorce is uncharted ground. Those stairs are also uncharted.. the goal is uncertain and the path is to be experienced. At the beginning of my marriage I asked for a life that would not be easy to chart and would be surprising.. and I got that. It just wasn’t what I expected.

I am keeping this photo hung up in my office. It is still my path.. that didn’t change when someone else walked away. I’m going to put it in a prominent place. I am being true to those impulses and that guiding idea.. even if I now embark on that project as a Dad and not a Husband.